As 2013 rolls over to 2014, I just want to reflect by writing about the high/lowlights of the last year. I haven't blogged for a few years now - nor have I taken a photo - so maybe it's time to revisit my past loves? Who knows what blessings this year will bring.
You should listen to Hillsong's Through it All while reading this testimony. It'll enhance the experience. (Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33aGaYAZvL4)
2011-2012: Finding myself
In early 2011, a mate of mine invited me to go clubbing, and to me it was an opportunity to meet girls. I thought it'd be a once off thing, or something I could keep separate from my church life. But I was very wrong about this and due to not having a firm grip on the Gospel, it caused me to fall away from my walk with God. My sinful curiosities, coupled with some unresolved tensions I've had with the unwelcoming/clique environment at BCAC only further drove me away from church.I can still remember the weekend when I stopped caring about church. My worship team was rostered to lead Sunday Service, and I had gone clubbing the night before. I decided to just sleep in and not even show up. What I did was so selfish and inconsiderate and irresponsible... I'm disgusted at my past self for handling the situation that way. I still haven't fully forgiven myself for that morning, and still now seek ways to atone for how I disrespected God and BCAC.
For 2 years I became part of the world, spending every weekend in the nightclubs trying to pick up girls - hoping to find a less 'lonely' life. I kept chasing after sex, when what I really needed was love - genuine companionship. Pre-2011 I was a shy kid: you'd never catch me having a conversation with someone I knew, let alone a stranger - and I never smiled much (a certain girl always complained about that in high school). So, in order to get girls into bed, I had to learn these things: how to approach a stranger, how to have a conversation, and to smile. More on those things later...
And further down the track, I ended up working in the nightclubs as a photographer. It was a 'fun' job; it had its perks and moment, but in the end it made me hate that environment even more. So many times I found myself as the only sober person in the room. Everyone around me was drunk off their face and caught up in the party, but there I stood, completely aware and in control. Something held me back from partaking in those activities. I mean, I was there already - it could have been so easy for me to just join in the fun. But... I couldn't do it. And that made me feel so alone. I abandoned the people who I grew up with, trying to become part of a different world - and on paper, I had succeeded: guys respected me, girls loved hanging out with me - but I was out there in the world on my own all over again.
Something inside me knew: this wasn't what I should be doing with my life, this is 'wrong'. And I often thought "How will I ever face God again if I do x, y, z?" I wouldn't fully understand until much later that my sins were nothing - because Jesus had already died and rose to repair my access to God. I always believed it when 'society' or 'religion' or my own insecurities said "You've done x, y, z... you can't go to church!", but the truth is: "I've done x, y, z... and that is exactly why I need to go to church to meet with God." This was another aspect of the Gospel that I wouldn't finally understand until 2013.
For 2 years I tried so hard to be part of the world. I changed the way I talked, thought, acted and looked - just so that the world would notice me. I put on such an attitude, there was no way you'd think, "Oh that guy grew up in church." I abandoned all patience, love, compassion, gentleness and generosity... I had turned into the kind of person I hated. I look back on that and think... that was such an insecure and silly thing to do. All I wanted was to be recognised and valued - but I was looking for that affirmation in the wrong place and wrong people.
Around midway in 2012, there was an incident which made me reconsider my then life path. Queen Street Mall has its fair share of street evangelists on Friday/Saturday nights. I'd always just brush them off with some remark like, "Nah, I don't need Jesus" or something along those lines. However, this one time, on my way to work in the club, a street evangelist stopped me. Uncharacteristically, I decided to hear him out. We talked for a bit, and he just drove the point home: out of all the decisions in life, there's only one that matters - Jesus. My heart was moved by his encouragement.
After more weekends of partying/indulging in the world, this phase of my life eventually ran its course. The nightclub I was working for shut down, and I was left with nowhere to go. I had no job, I didn't think I had any place coming back to church. I started looking for full-time work again, but it was a tough process. I kept looking for work in Sydney/Melbourne because I just couldn't face my past in Brisbane. I had a bunch of interviews with Sydney companies but it wasn't really going anywhere. I've got so much baggage in this city... I was too proud to eat my humble pie and do the walk of shame and just come back to God. I said, "If I don't find work by the end of this year, I'm packing my bags and moving to Japan."
In November 2012, I got a call from a Brisbane company about my job application. Looking back, I don't even remember applying for this job, because I was so set on going interstate to 'run away'. Yet, I decided I'll give it a shot. They called me in for an interview and barely asked me anything. All I was asked was pretty much, "Do you want to make books?" I said yes - and that began a new chapter of my life - now working in my dream job that's pretty much a perfect fit for me. I still wonder how God came up with that kind of offer, something I couldn't refuse - just to keep me in Brisbane.
For a while after that I thought, "I guess God is keeping me in Brisbane because he has work for me to do." But I think the reality is that God kept me in Brisbane because he still had work to do in me. This would set the scene for 2013... a year of finding God.
2013: Finding God
Writing this, I sit here so broken yet thankful that I have someone like Jesus in my life - the Good Shepherd - who will go to the ends of the earth to find his one lost sheep. I honestly didn't think I'd make it back home, but I've learnt now there's no running away from God's love. No sinner is beyond his reach. None of the mistakes I've made can ever undo what Jesus did on the cross to make things OK between me and God. I'm glad I finally understand this important part of the Gospel and know where I stand with the big man.Early in the year, I tried being at church a little more, but I was really forcing it too much. I had grudges/issues/other unresolved stuff that really stopped me from focusing on God completely. So for a few months, I was just on-and-off attending BCAC, even heading back to the clubs some weekends just to numb the pain of feeling like I didn't belong at BCAC.
I don't think there's any easy way to re-integrate back into a community after disappearing for 2-3 years with no accountability or any attempt of reconnection. So I was always continually heartbroken when I came to church, feeling like I didn't belong. Many of the people I trusted had stopped coming to church. Some went interstate for work. But it broke my heart to know that those who were still in Brisbane didn't feel welcome at BCAC. They felt judged when they went to church... and I understood completely where they were coming from. I felt like an enemy, a 'threat to other sinners' - what I had done in the 2 years hung over my head and became a label on my identity. I'll never know what others thought of me during that time, but I just found it so hard to relate to people at BCAC. My loneliness persisted.
2013 also signalled the end of the old UF/WF forms of fellowship, and the introduction of Small Groups and FX. I inconsistently attended both, again mainly because I didn't feel like I connected to anyone. I was also resistant to the content/teaching and didn't really find value in that aspect of the programs. Getting to know others is a big part of my calling and passion. I'd say it's the #1 thing God has put onto my heart. I guess I grumbled for a while that there wasn't enough facilitation in my Small Group/FX for getting to know others. But I was also at fault, because of my insecurity/fear of being judged - which held me back from making an effort.
Fast forwarding to April or so, I began visiting Hillsong church. I've been there 2 times in the past, and always had a good impression of the teaching there. I'll never forget the way they welcomed me into their family and made every effort to get me connected. Hillsong was a huge blessing - the worship, teaching, and connection with other believers just made me overflow with a joy and love for God again. I genuinely wanted to just be at church all the time. It helped me focus much more on what God has done for me instead of my own shortcomings or our 'personal effort' in living a free life. I'd attend Hillsong on Friday nights and the Connect Group every fortnight consistently for about 4 months.
I remember one very significant sermon, I think it was around June. The message that night was based on the story of Daniel and his companions in Babylon, and how they refused to conform with the Babylonian way of life - and how this paralleled to us not conforming with the world's way of living. The meat of the sermon was "Don't let culture claim your identity". That message hit home with me and I broke down. It was exactly the situation I had been facing for the last 2-3 years of my life, just letting myself become one of the world and going along with the culture around me. I responded to the altar call that night and raised my hand to rededicate myself to God. I realised then that I'd let my relationship with God slip into nothingness - and having lost friends in the past because we didn't keep the connection going, my distance from God was very real to me. And at the height of my spiritual discovery, yet still unstable in my faith, I encountered a stumbling block that would set me back... I guess Satan was not happy with how I was progressing and had to put an end to my reconnection with God.
There was a non-Christian girl who I had met at the start of 2011. I thought she was a babe and liked her from the start, but she was seeing someone at the time so I didn't pursue. Then around July 2013 she finally agrees to meet me for coffee/dinner. Despite warnings from my brothers/sisters in Christ about the dangers of chasing a relationship with an unbeliever, I went for it anyway. It wasn't long before I had stopped going to Hillsong or BCAC and spending so much time getting to know this girl, trying to set up dates for the weekends... but it eventually ran its course and I had to come crawling back to the "I told you so". If I assess my stumbles in the past, girls have always been my #1 distraction/weakness. I even say, "It's always a girl." But that experience was definitely for the best, now that my purpose is clear. I have a new resolve to not let that get in the way of my business with God again. I long for companionship, but I can't make the same mistake again - need to strictly enforce a "no girlfriend" rule this year. I won't be able to carry out the ministry God's called me to if I get distracted.
With renewed purpose and understanding of my identity as a child of God, I managed to put away old grudges and my complaints of others at BCAC. God has put a big task in my heart - to serve in the Welcome Team. When I think about the question, "Should I serve in _____?" there's 3 things that I think one should consider. Those things are: passion, gift, and calling. Am I passionate about welcoming and building connections? Am I gifted/skilled in doing it? And has God called me to do it? When it comes to getting to know others and helping new people get connected in BCAC, my answer to all 3 questions is a firm, "Yes." I know just how hard it can be for newcomers to find their place here. And in the last 5 years I've seen my fair share of friends disappear because they didn't feel at home. It breaks my heart that these things go unnoticed by others, and that there's such little follow-up for these 'leavers'. I don't want to see it happen any longer. So instead of grumbling about it, I've decided to step up and be part of the solution.
2014: Found by God
So... the last 3 years. Where does that leave me? I guess I saw just how big and powerful our God is. The way He provides for us, the way He can use a sinner to reach the lost, the way His love persists even when we're at our lowest point... I have to thank God for finally revealing his purpose for my life - to serve Him and others as that Welcoming guy.3 years ago I left church to go learn how to pick up girls and get their phone numbers and/or get them into bed... the skills I needed to do that: approaching a stranger, having a conversation, and greeting others with a smile... well, it's funny how God can make use of all that. And now I'm here at church, trying to get newcomer's phone numbers so we can do a good follow-up and build a relationship with them. I actually came back from the world more equipped than I ever was for the kind of ministry God called me to... What amazing grace. What I intended for my own sinful desires, God actually has taken that and now intends it for His plan - to reach more with the Gospel.
And so far... well it hasn't been without obstacles. I've been able to put to rest my past conflicts/grudges/complaints and move forward from that. But there's still a few things that are still distracting or bothering me from being able to focus on God and ministry 100%. I have hope that God will carry me through and build me up from it, just as He did faithfully in the past 2-3 years, never letting me go. And God's never-failing promise and never-changing Word just reminds me of a hymn we used to sing a lot back at BCAC: Hillsong's Through it All (listen to it here if you didn't do so at the top of the post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33aGaYAZvL4)
Every line in that song means so much to me and my faith journey.
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
My journey also brings me back to the Parable of the Good Shepherd (Luke 15:4-7):
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Parables are almost always talking about humanity's relationship with God - and in that story, I'm the one lost sheep, and Jesus is the Good Shepherd - pursuing me when I was lost and never giving up on me until He found me so he could bring me home... This passage is just so significant to me, because the very first time I ever attended church in my life, when I was in Grade 8 or something (Year 2000), at my very first Sunday School lesson ever, led by Auntie Yvonne, the Bible memory verse was Luke 15:4-7...
I can't believe that at the end of the day this passage would come back and remind me that God never gave up on me, and that His love endures forever. During all this time, I was just part of God's plan and I didn't even know it. But now, with a complete understanding of what God has done for me - as Jesus on the cross, and through my greatest trial - I can start 2014 with my Christian walk coming full circle. I'm ready to dedicate this year to God's glory with my joy in Him complete.
